Transforming sadness


This full moon is supposed to be about changing karmic patterns. Growing up in a Western society karma was not a concept in our lives. In Bali it is part of daily practise. One of my Hindu friends gave me the most touching explanation.” Karma means to me that I will not do any harm consciously, because I know that the next generation will suffer from it. And I pray for forgiveness about the harm I did uncounciously.

Since I was a little girl I felt almost daily this deep sadness inside of me, this feeling that something was deeply wrong by the way people were talking and the way we organised our lives. This full moon I come to the understanding that this feeling that I called sadness, is actually deep compassion for all living creatures.

When we start to feel as humans how we as humans treat humans, animals and the planet, especially the animals that we “use for food” how can we not feel their pain and feel this deep roaring in our heart?

Lets bless our hearts for being able to feel compassionate towards humans in pain, animals in pain and the planet in pain and yes this might feel in our hearts as sadness, pain. But it is a guide….to become grateful of being able to be compassionate.


Lets send blessings from our heart not only to the people we love, but perhaps proactive especially to the people who consciously or unconsciously harm others, be it humans, animals, the planet.

I feel this does not mean that we approve on actions of harm, how can we, harm that give us a feeling of sadness. But we can make a distinction from our heart between their actions and their soul.

For all spirituals traditions teach us that there is only love and that we all are one.

And our beautiful world, humans, animals, the planet, needs more conciousness and love, sweet love.

Bless you all,


Coral destroyed by fishermen who used dynamite to fish….unconcious about the damage they did to the coral on this planet.


RAMADAN DAY 13 Slowly, slowly but surely ☆
Choosing me, going inside is an act of resistance and trust
My antennas have always been open to the outside, while my mind was very loud inside. This Ramadan is my choice to go inside as much as I can. As Rishme said last night “ No I did not travel to places like mount Agung, but I traveled many places inside”.
The pattern I practiced most of my life was taking care of the “perceived” needs of others. As I was trained to listen when my Dads car came home, the moment het got home i was supposed to be available for work.
A pattern out of fear, that I learned from my Mom too. A pattern that was deepened when my parents asked me to take care of my sisters and brothers. Taking care of their safety.
A well needed skill for human beings to survive from one generation to another.
A skill I do not need anymore and is not serving me anymore.

As I feel I am not ready to share a room or house with somebody else , since its activates this skill to take care of others. I still loose the practice of going inside while in the company of somebody else, even with somebody I love so dearly as my soul sister Rishme. So I had to tell her, trusting that our connection will grow even deeper when I become more me.
Taking a shower, going inside, touching my skin from the heart. It feels as if I meet me for the first time. Welcome home in this body darling.
☆ sharing truth with Addy at Le Bistro, Gili Air


The 17th of august is a very special day in my life. I feel very blessed that the universe brought me to Bali, Indonesia on this 17th of august, 2016, the day Indonesia celebrates Independence.

My parents got married on the 17th of august. They had to make the difficult decision to get married because my mother was pregnant. With me. My father and mother made the best they knew how, to create a life, make a living. A marriage in which 6 children were born and 2 children died after een couple of days. It was a time in human development and culture, where it was thought as impossible for a woman alone to raise a child. And my father is a man who takes his respons abilities, so they married. It was a time in human development and culture in which it was not “done”, to talk about emotions, feelings, needs or show what you experience. It was august 1955 in the Netherlands.

Everything in that period was focused on rebuilding the country, building houses, creating jobs, rebuilding families and surviving, after the “Second World War”. The culture was not focussed on evaluation or on healing and emotions. And we as a “Nation” had not addressed, let alone feel the pains, heal the pains from this war, the holocaust, the colonization and independence of Indonesia. It was all very ‘practical’ and there are many stories to tell about how “we” “welcomed back” the jewish people who had survived and how “we” ” welcomed” the Indonesian Dutch and Dutch people who had to leave Indonesia.

My mother was severely traumatized by the war and her childhood. Many many many many people were. And my mother became a mother. As a child, being a very sensitive and empathic soul, and not practical at all,  I experienced the first years of my childhood as a very grey period, as my parents were very challenged by life, a compulsory marriage, after 6 months a daughter, and soon 2 babies died. They had no idea how to heal. And so the energy of my youth was filled with the darkness of unhealed trauma, grieve, secrets, anxiety.

What it could be like and how it would feel like to have a happy house, full of laughter. To experience curiosity and excitement for life and knowledge, music and real conversations; that I experienced ironacly with Indonesian families in my homevillage and town.

Just today I feel this deep understanding and resonation why I love to be around Indonesian people so much. I already did as a small child. How blessed I am that Bali called me. The Indonesian families of my childhood showed me another way of living, not only different from my parents, but different from other white Dutch families. They showed ways of being and living that resonates deeply with my soul and heart. And who knows, perhaps my soul lived here before, who knows?

It is Bali that gives a deeper experience of healing conscious and unconscious wounds, from my own experience, my family, “my” country, as Bali has suffered severe from Dutch colonialization and war crimes****.

These wounds blocked my connection to my soul. And the universe gave me the opportunity of Bali where I can feel and express how my soul was crying for finally sharing the wisdom of living my freedom, peace, love and light, truths; letting it shine by peeling of 60 years of depression.

That is the power of Bali, that so many people speak about. Bali heals souls. Bali gives people a change to open up to ourselves and others, exploring different conversations, to heal old wounds. Bali helps us remembering that we first and foremost are a soul in a body. Sharing insights why perhaps my soul has chosen this life, these parents.

Not, as I assimilated western culture, that we are just a mind, a working mind to produce, a mind who happens to have a functional relationship with our body in which we just put stuff from a factory. Some people think that this is such a great way of living, that they even implement this way of living all over the world, even in Bali, as producers or as consumers.

It so wonderful though, to live in a time where more and more people are aware that female knowledge and strategies will lead our human development to another level in which compassion, receiving, care for each other, mother Earth and all creatures, is vital.

Conscious living, also as a tourist, temporary living in Bali, is a challenge. But it is this transformation and the many opportunities that Bali offers for transformation, that leads my soul into so many moments of deep connection with other souls. Slowing down to consciously, compassionate and courageous living gives daily experience so much depth.

Bali is precious and special on this planet, offering us humans these opportunities.

In healing wounds in the past,  I had done a fair part of healing my Dutch wounds about the colonization of Indonesia. The universe had given me many interesting encounters with wise Indonesian and Dutch people who lived in Indonesia during colonization and war. With them I could talk about it from the heart. Encounters in which I mostly listened; as every human has her and his personal experiences and stories. Also about the colonization of Indonesia. Not one of the stories is the same.

I had read about the “cruel”, perhaps the most unconscious parts of the colonization. New stories show up almost every day. Still untill today. As those who have esperienced it want to heal, want to experience recognition for their pain*

Malik requests around january 2016 for apologise for the beheading of his father in 1947, published may 21 2016, NRC*

Which the Dutch governement refuses.

I had read Multatuli’s book “Max Havelaar**”.  I needed to know about this story of Max Havelaar in a period in my life where I was working for the Dutch Government, as Max Havelaar and the writer of the book Multatuli were.

One of my dearest friends who is a KNIL, Dutch Military veteran and had lived in Indonesia untill he had to leave the country, warned me not to become ‘a Max Havelaar’.

As by adressing the circumstances of the native people in Indonesia Multatuli also created his own professional downfall. I had to know what his story was about, as I was facing deep inner struggle about what I was ordered to do as a civil servant working for the Dutch Government, my people; as Max Havelaar had.

While all other people in the same position did not mind what was going on, or did not want to know, choosing for the safety of their job. Nobody wanted to listen about injustice being done, as Max Havelaar had experienced.

In that period of time during Colonial administration, the so-called ” whistleblowers” were not appreciated, as they still are not appreciated by society today.

This human experience of having the awareness to be a leading part of a process in my country that demonstrated a deep lack of compassion with a huge impact for the future of my countries people. Experiencing that I was not able to address this outside the Government and that I could not stop it or change it. That internal struggle is still my deepest wound and made my physical and mental body sick.

As Max Havelaar could not stop the cruelty of racism and colonization in Indonesia and was not able to keep his personal future safe. By the time his book was published though it was the beginning of awareness and transformation and “Max Havelaar” is still a profound inspiration for a fair trade world.

Max Havelaar was not Martin Luther King or Gandhi. As I was not. Perhaps Multatuli did not have the skills, the response abilities to choose most effective strategies to mobilize the Dutch people about what was going on and gain respect. That make souls like Ghandi and Nelson Mandela so extra ordinary.

As a country I feel we have not healed from colonization, from Holocaust, from warcrimes. But as individuals we can. As I have witnessed with different people on an individual level. In the last parts of somebodies life, the soul wants to get healed from these expriences. People are severe suffering because they feel that they can not dy, not transform, when these experiences have not healed.That is I quess, why we now hear all these stories of crimes inflicted on Indonesian people, people can not leave their bodies without sharing all these painfull memories and asking for forgiveness. Such a beautiful mechanism that we want to be healed before we transform.

The deepest teaching for me from Colonization is that we are all one, that the pain that “we” inflicted on other beings and have not healed, is integrated in our own being. As some say that our biography becomes our biology. Weather if we are aware of it or not. Cause our soul can not ly. Our soul feels that we are all one soul.

How I feel and experience that we as a country are not yet willing to heal pain from the past is by not willing to face what we inflict on other creatures today. As  “we” as a nation are not able to feel deep appreciation for our sick old grandparents and parents. The way we all accept their suffering as a society, the way we lock the old and sick people out of physical and psychological comfort. They are hurting. We know that. They are in the last phase of this physical experience and their soul wants to heal all the suffering they have endured. Especially this generation of elderly, as they all experienced the deep wounds of the second world war, holocoust, colonialization.

They rebuild our country and created prosperity for newer generations. Our hearts can only feel compassion and greatfulness for them and my heart feels they should be honoured and celebrated and cared for now that they are helplessly depending on our care. We are not marching the streets to demand physical and psychological comfort and safety for them.

” We” as a Dutch society have lost the compassion for our daughters, our Government tells us that 1 out of 3 of our daughters is experiencing sexual harassment. And we are not marching the streets to demand physical and psychosocial comfort and safety for our own daughters.

We lost compassion for the cows and pigs, the bees. “We” as a society are so stressed, so full of pain that we do not want to feel what we eat. But we are now starting to march the streets to demand physical and psychological comfort and safety for all animals as they are, like us, souls in a body.

It feels that the time is right to address the ‘National’ pain of Colonialisation, tso we can heal and move on in our development and transformation as human beings. And make more whole loving decisions in the present.

Healing the pain is not an individual process and nobody has to do it alone. The world is full of healers, it could be a friend, a soul mate, a dog,  a cat, a cow, a horse, an island…

We are all souls and we are all one and we can all help each every minute to remember that we are all souls, just by looking in each others eyes, seeing the soul in that other body. Yes healing means allowing to experience emotions and energy that we call pain. It is unpleasant. But from experience I can share that living while keeping all this “pain” under the carpet is more painfull than releasing the pain, crying hot tears untill the heart opens up again.

We did it before, first keeping our pain inside, all of us having this idea that it was just me, and then came together, shared, cried, released the power of anger by taking the streets demanding equal rights for women, for gay people. Sharing love, compassion, joy for life, feeling united, part of a movement to bring human development to a higher level.

And we can do that again and we are doing that again, bringing human development to a higher level, aligning with the deep love and respect for mother Earth and all her creatures, as we are all interdependent. We might choose different forms, by meditating, creating new businesses based on fair trade and organic products, signing petions 6 minutes a day.

But it might be right timing to unite and walk the streets again and demand physical and psychological safety and comfort for those that depend the most on our decisions, mother Earth herself, the sick and elderly people, our daughters and all living creatures on this planet.

Yes I let the tears run on my cheaks today, letting go of a connection of pain and shame with Indonesia that was not created by me but its wounds were in me all along. Letting go of all the stories I had heard and experienced.

I quess that every Dutch person has an Indonesian person in our surroundings, as a colleque at work, a family living in our neighbourhood. We are still very connected. We might eat nassi goreng once a week, without realising the story behind this lovely meal.

We might have grandparents who do not receive a full elderly payment (AOW), as the man refused to go to Indonesia in 1945 and was severely punished by the Dutch governement, some untill today. The resistance was huge among the people from the area in Holland were I was born. I did not know that so many resisted, I did not know how they were and some are punished, untill today.***

My heart is expanding as I pledge forgiveness, opening up to gratefulness that the universe gave me the opportunity to experience this very special Independence Day of Indonesia in Ubud, Bali. Opening up to a new level of joy and connection as I play with the Balinese women and kids. We are all one.


Independence Day, 17th of August. from “Healing 60 years of depression, essays and observations, while creating a Life as a Soul in a Body”.

*Tineke Bennema. Waar de polder de oost 22-05-2016

**Multatuli was the chosen speudonym by writer and civil servant of the Netherlands, Eduard Douwes Dekker, just a Soul in a body.


**** Anne-Lot Hoek, bloedbaden op Bali, 13-11-2013 Vrij Nederland.



The pre-launch of the Bali Writers and Readers festival, at Bar Luna, was promising.

The content Aisha Macgill shared on self publishing was transparent and rich. Aisha expressed her knowledge and insights on publishing and writing within historical context and traditions. By doing so Aisha added experience to her intention that we should “own” being a writer. Through her presentation I experienced the joy and awareness that creating text and images is a beautiful gift to us humans.

Aisha shared challenges of becoming a self published autor but she also showed perspective and that it is very well possible to earn interesting revenue. As long as we focus on the value our writings add to the readers.

The technical presentation of the event experienced some challenges, as the sound system did not yet work that well. I had to focus seriously on Aisha’s voice because the location was also filled with the happy sounds of talking and laughter from people who were in the bar for a meetup and drinks.

Fortunately Aisha shared the journey of self publishing with slides, like a road map.


The mohito I enjoyed in Bar Luna was one of the best I drank so far in Ubud. Offered to me by Kadek and her friends, I appreciate Kadek as one of the most kind waitresses in Ubud.


l experenced the event as pleasant, rich of content and full of promisses for the events to come.

If you want to learn about self publishing, you can contact Aisha at  and she will be around @ubudwritersfest


My favourite place to relax in Ubud

At the Ubud Community event I made a new friend who is exploring Ubud. So where to meet for breakfast?

It is interesting how my taste of what are my favourite places to meet people, change over time. Today I choose 9 Angels at Jalan Suweta, no 32.

The food is organic and the place is spacious in a garden, full of creativity and a very laid-back atmosphere.20161008_131920


While we are eating outside, other people join the inside space for an “Indonesian conversation” meeting.

Ian finds a guitar and he teaches me to sing, while the other people talk. More than enough space not to disturb one and other. More than enough space to be comfortable to do what makes us happy.


It is a place that invites to be and to do. There is no rush, you can hang out as long as you wish. You pay by donation.

It is a place with a vision of creativity and sharing. They organise all kind of activities to join. And there is a little shop. The money obtained in the shop is for donating to a foundation of ill children in Bali. I buy Christmas cards.


When it is time for me to leave, the owner Thony, offers me a ride on the back of his motorbike to drive together to the Bali Vegan festival.

It’s that kind of a place.

Stepping out of the comfort zone

Meeting up for a “flash writing event”of “Ubud autors”. I am invited at Kamasan cafe at Jalan Raya Sanggingan in Ubud.

Actually nobody has mentioned this place to me before. And its a very nice surprise.

A beautiful wooden restaurant (Warung  Pulau Kelapa) and a cafe, placed in a lush garden with a river flowing through. While wandering about and exploring the garden I took the stairs, leaving my comfort zone.

The big surprise is an organic garden in the back where we can pick vegetables and herbs and offer them to the cook for our meal. As the benefits of each plant and tree are explained, it is also a nice place just for learning about the health benefits of plants.

The view on the ricefields, watching farmers working, is in itself worth a visit to this beautiful warung and cafe.












This morning I woke up

with this amazing energy vibrating

gold, soft, light, warm, dense

no words to describe.

Beautiful as the sunrise,

joyfully as a happy running puppy,

Showing details of beauty and amazement

That were not to be seen without the touch of this Light.


The energy of ” Love”

touching everything inside and outside

changing the vibrations, the colours, the taste.

Thank you for opening this Light in me.

Now that you are not here to mirror back to me

beauty, love, soul, joy,

it does not mean the Light is not in me anymore.

For a while I “thought” so

and these “thoughts” guided me to clouded energy

which we tend to label as “sadness”, “pain”,

crippling my body

But it was and is through what I call “me” that “I” experienced

this beautiful energy that I call love.

Falling into your eyes

drifting in soul connection

opening my breath to flow freely and deeply.

the sensations in “my” skin that made me tremble and humble

the sensations in “my” heart experiencing orgasm in every breath and every touch,

as you said “this is like a dream”.

In “crisis” and transformations

we hear all these “thoughts”, that were waiting

in our subconscious, poisoning as we listen to them

keeping our breath in “fear”.

Gifts to transform as well

as these “thoughts” do not tell the truth about me or you.

You are loveable without conditions,

You are loved without boundaries,

in any breath*.

So breath darling Liesbeth, breath

and let all the energies and words that do not serve you, flow….

* from : 30 Lessons of falling in love,

“from neediness to entitlement”, Book in progress.